Reckless Once. Careful Now… Because the kindest people learn to love carefully

​This is a conversation that shows up often, when you are sitting with friends over coffee or a drink. Someone says you are so independent; and it sounds like praise.No one asks where it came from.


Independence is not always a personality trait. It is something built slowly after being disappointed more times than expected. After showing up without it being returned. After learning how to hold yourself together in rooms where you really wanted to be held.


Over time self-reliance feels safer than expectation.


That is usually when trust begins to change.


The people who say they have trust issues are often the kindest. They wear their heart on their sleeves. But, after being hurt in the same place too many times they stop loving recklessly. They begin loving carefully.


Then there are those who say they do not expect too much. It sounds mature and grounded. Often it is protection. It is lowering the bar before someone else can drop it. It is telling yourself that less is enough so it does not hurt as much when less is all you receive.


And then there is the line I disagree with most.


“I am hard to love!”


No you are not!


You simply do not accept inconsistency anymore. You do not romanticize potential. You want presence, intention and depth. That does not make you difficult. It makes you aware.


Somewhere along the way we started confusing standards with ego and boundaries with attitude.


We even call it high maintenance.


There is a moment in F.R.I.E.N.D.S when Chandler tells Monica, “They can say you’re high maintenance. But, I like maintaining you.”


That is the difference.


To someone who is not willing to try, your needs will feel excessive. To someone who truly values you they will feel effortless.


It's better to be called hard to love than easy to neglect.


You do not receive what you deserve.

You receive what you tolerate and what you ask for.


There is nothing wrong with asking for more.


The right person will not call you high maintenance.


They will simply choose to show up.

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